Our daughter has struggled with anxiety and feeling that she is "ugly" since elementary school. She is, of course, not ugly, but she does not fit the current socially preferred appearance for young girls (thin, long legs, straight blonde hair, etc.). Once she reached middle school, these feelings intensified, and she started to associate with a group of other kids (mostly girls) who also do not fit the mold of who she calls the "popular girls." Her new peer group was very into being "broken" even though they were mostly a bunch of fairly privileged, middle-class, suburban kids. They constantly tried to one-up each other with diagnoses of depression, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, etc. Our daughter would make up stories and symptoms to try to fit in with this group and even began self-harming (another huge obsession for the group). We found a therapist for her, but while the self-harm eventually stopped, the other behaviors persisted.
Her new peer group was very into being "broken" even though they were mostly a bunch of fairly privileged, middle-class, suburban kids. They constantly tried to one-up each other with diagnoses of depression, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, etc.
At the end of 6th grade, she "came out" to us as lesbian. While we were, and still are, somewhat skeptical of this as she was only 12 with no real sexual experience, we told her that we completely respected her feelings and that we love and support her no matter what her sexual preference is. Her godparents (our neighbors and best friends) are a lesbian couple with twin girls the same age as our daughter. We even jokingly commented that her being lesbian would be a relief for us since we would not have to worry about teen pregnancy or boys trying to coerce her into things she did not want to do.
She seemed to actually be a little disappointed by our reaction. She seemed to want resistance from us so that she could tell her friends about how awful her parents are. Her interactions and communications with the girls she was dating, as the kids called it, mainly consisted of female teen drama. "I love you so much!" "No, I love you more!" and so on. It is our opinion that many of the girls involved (and perhaps our daughter) found lesbian relationships as a way to engage in the romantic drama that teen girls typically love. The boys their age did not want or know how to engage in this, so relationships with other girls was perfect.
At the end of 6th grade, she "came out" to us as lesbian. We told her that we completely respected her feelings and that we love and support her no matter what her sexual preference is. She seemed to be a little disappointed by our reaction.
Still, it truly did not matter to us whether our daughter was lesbian or not. She would find out for herself on her own and no permanent harm is done either way.
However, just before the start of 8th grade, she informed us that she is transgender and wanted to be called by a different name with male pronouns. Up until this point, she had always acted and behaved as female. She was proud to be a girl and had signs and posters with sayings like "Girl Power" and "Girls Rule, Boys Drool." Her friends were almost exclusively female, and still are, as were her interests (romance, horses, art, etc.). I know that I am being stereotypical here as there are many boys who like the same things. I am only making the point that there were no prior indications of any discomfort with her gender.
Our reaction was one of love and support, but not affirmation. We told her that we cannot control what she does with her friends, and we would not force her to dress in any particular way. However, at home we would still call her by her given name and refer to her with female pronouns, and there would be no medical interventions or use of things like binders. Our main comment was that she should slow down. Being a teen, especially a female one, is incredibly stressful and confusing. So much is going to change for her over the next few years. There is no need to make permanent decisions until she has had a chance to fully explore who she is.
Just before the start of 8th grade, she informed us that she is transgender. Our reaction was one of love and support, but not affirmation. Our main comment was that she should slow down. There is no need to make permanent decisions until she has had a chance to fully explore who she is.
This response was met with grudging resignation by our daughter. However, among her peers and even among some school staff members, she received lavish praise for being so "brave." Her teachers immediately validated her, and the school allowed her to use the nurse's office to change for PE or use the restroom. She has received almost exclusively positive reinforcement for "coming out." Even the few negative responses from other kids have only served to make her more of a "hero" to her friends. She and her friends use all of the current terminology about gender and about transgender transition in particular ("starting on T," "top surgery," "bottom surgery," etc.) that is clearly straight from online sources, even though we restrict her internet use.
However, among her peers and even among some school staff members, she received lavish praise for being so "brave." Her teachers immediately validated her, and the school allowed her to use the nurse's office to change for PE or use the restroom. She has received almost exclusively positive reinforcement for "coming out."
We recently moved and she has started school at a small, private, non-religious institution. We did this mainly because of academic concerns with the public schools here, but we did hope that a smaller environment and a "fresh start" might allow her to back off from her extreme stance. Unfortunately, that has not happened. She has already informed all of her teachers that she is transgender and asked them to call her a different name with male pronouns. They have all said that they will do so. My wife and I met with the teachers before the school year started to discuss the issue. We really like the teachers, and we know their intentions are good. But they have not known our daughter for her whole life. They, like everyone else, feel like they have to "respect" our daughter's identification.
My wife and I are liberal people. We are not homophobic or transphobic. If all that being transgender led to was being called a different name and pronouns then we would have no problem allowing our child to explore her identity. However, in the current climate, our daughter and her friends understand transgender as an innate condition that a person is born with and that can only be treated with hormone therapy and radical surgeries which have irreversible consequences. There is no discussion of a teen possibly misunderstanding their feelings (like every teen in the history of teenagers has done) and no discussion of the long-term effects.
My wife and I are liberal people. We are not homophobic or transphobic, but as concerned parents, we feel like reeds in a river fighting to hold our ground against a torrent of influences pushing our daughter down a path that she cannot possibly fully understand.
As concerned parents, we feel like reeds in a river fighting to hold our ground against a torrent of influences pushing our daughter down a path that she cannot possibly fully understand. While she cannot do anything medically while she is a minor, we are terrified that once she is 18 she will continue down this path simply because she has so fully committed to it.
We completely accept that we may be wrong. It may be that our child is one of the very small percentage of people for whom radical interventions are necessary in order to live a happy and fulfilled life (which is all we want for her). However, we also feel strongly that no 12, 13, or 14-year-old child is capable of making such a decision. She has also adamantly insisted that she wanted to be a horse trainer, veterinarian, and pediatric surgeon only to change her mind later. We resent the way the media and society at large are presenting to children that being transgender is standard human behavior and that affirmation and medical intervention is the only option.
Teens desperately want to feel special and accepted. Being transgender offers a way out of that pressure that cannot be challenged since the only criteria is a personal declaration.
Teens desperately want to feel special and accepted. We all have been through it. For girls, there is tremendous pressure to be "pretty" and liked by boys. Being transgender offers a way out of that pressure that cannot be challenged since the only criteria is a personal declaration. We feel powerless against this. All we can do is be here for her and try to maintain a safe space where she can come back to if her feelings change. Otherwise, we just have to sit by and watch helplessly.