DISCLAIMER: While this story does not fit the "classic" ROGD history, we thought it was important to share with our readers to illustrate some of the concerns that accompany the development and life course of a young adult who has been affected by gender ideology.
Names and identifying details have been changed.
I guess I was lucky that all of this started years ago. Today my son probably would have declared his transgender identity at an earlier age and might have requested surgery. In my ignorance I may have gone along with it. My heart goes out to those parents who are living this nightmare and are being forced to participate in this hideous social experiment. I’ve cried reading these letters and I can’t even imagine having my child taken from me.
I wish I had found this kind of support years ago. My story is a little different as my son is now 27. He presents himself as a female or what he calls gender fluid. I don’t ask questions because he tends to take that as an attack, or he has in the past anyway. He has been taking hormones for several years but has not undergone any surgery and I don’t know if he intends to.
As a child, he was very intelligent, a voracious reader and always ahead of his peers. He got a lot of attention from his dad and I, who doted on him. We divorced when he was 9, the oldest of 4. He was well behaved and mature and excelled in school. He played the drums extremely well by the time he was 10 which earned him a lot of respect from his peers.
But around 15 he started spending a lot of time on the Internet and made contact with people who were flirting with anarchy and radical ideas. At this point he started to reject his friends, who in turn, started to reject him and he became one of the outsiders, a kid who didn’t fit in. He refused to complete one last project to gain his Eagle Scout badge. He announced he was vegan. He read the German philosophers and dominated discussions in the high school Philosophy club.
He came home from his first year in college with a whole new vocabulary talking about critical theory and the oppressive male patriarchy. His reading materials were frightening, calling for total destruction and anarchy. He expressed his alignment with a book written by a black lesbian feminist. He angrily accused me of not educating myself. I was dumbstruck. I countered with an argument against being so dismissive of, and ungrateful for, all that came before him. He seemed to be embracing victim hood, and the ingratitude was mind-boggling. How could I argue with this insanity that went against everything I believed in? I considered myself a liberal and saw myself as a tolerant, non-judgmental person. But I also held the conservative values of hard work and personal responsibility, and to my ears the message coming from him was all about blame.
During high school and college he had a series of girl friends, some long term, and I was aware that he was enjoying an active sex life.
During the recession of 2008-2009 we had financial difficulties and he quit college after his second year.
He began a relationship with a girl that lasted quite a while and for a time they lived together. She had changed her name to something gender neutral and he referred to her as ‘they’. She dressed a little masculine but in a sexy provocative sort of way. She was outgoing, likable and attractive. But her Facebook page was disturbing, to say the least with lots of menstrual blood and pornographic and violent images.
This girl was his gateway drug. He announced in a letter to the family that he was ‘gender-queer’. She eventually split up with him, both having grown bored with their lives ironically.
During this period he refused to drive a car. He spent a year bumming around the country with friends, having no money, living here and there in communes with like-minded people, living in filth, dumpster diving. When he returned, I was repulsed by his smell. He would not bathe or change his clothes for months at a time. At one point I asked to have coffee with him and he showed up in an ugly old lady sweater and clip on earrings, greasy hair and he smelled awful. That hurt.
In 2013 he started taking hormones. He has acquired a whole wardrobe of silky shirts, panty hose, high heels, short skirts, etc. He learned to apply nail polish and make up with skill. He went back to college and earned a degree in biomedical engineering! He currently works at a store that sells lingerie and sex toys. He has an extensive group of friends within the LGBTQ community. Those seem to be the only people he will associate with. I’m not sure what his beliefs are exactly today although he has become less radical.
He and his friends know how to work the system to obtain things for free. I believe he is on Medicaid for his hormones. He has always had a secret life that he doesn’t share with me. I try to show him my support and remind him that I love him. I refer to him by his new name and try to limit my use of pronouns when I speak with him, although I refuse to use ‘they’ or any other made up pronoun. I’m careful to never refer to him as my son or to say anything about being a man. He contacts me quite often as compared to the past. This leaves me very hopeful that we can have a good relationship.
Since he is now an adult there is little I can do to change things but I still have hope that some of my values exist within that very intelligent brain of his and that truth may eventually prevail. He is very capable and one can only hope that could work in his favor. And while he has gone through all kinds of phases in the past maybe some day he will come out of this one. I also have to consider that he may not. He may decide to transition. Not the end of the world. But more importantly, I wonder if he will become a responsible, whole mature adult willing to face what is true and what is not.
He is no more transgender than I am. I now see that he was indoctrinated in college and prior to it. He has been attracted to and surrounded by people who encouraged him to adopt a radical identity. These people have become his tribe and give him a sense of belonging. His natural inclination to question things and rebel, his being raised by a single mom with liberal viewpoints, the indoctrination by colleges pushing far left identity politics, the gender studies curriculum that permeates all the other studies. All these things contributed.
What would I do if I were able to go back and raise my kids differently? That is a good question. I would have fought harder for their hearts and minds. I would say ‘no’ to them more often. I would not be so afraid of alienating them or letting them be angry with me. This is not easy in an atmosphere of mostly permissive parenting. I would not be so protective. I would let them fail and make mistakes and get hurt. I would limit computer time. I would take them on vacations more to cement the bonds of the family and to have opportunities to talk about character and values. I would like to think I would do all these things. But I don’t get to go back.
I guess I was lucky that all of this started years ago. Today my son probably would have declared his transgender identity at an earlier age and might have requested surgery. In my ignorance I may have gone along with it. My heart goes out to those parents who are living this nightmare and are being forced to participate in this hideous social experiment. I’ve cried reading these letters and I can’t even imagine having my child taken from me.
Until recently I’ve had no one to tell my story to but I’ve discovered that some people are now speaking out. Society will have you feeling like you are getting old and don’t understand progress. My other children all view me in that light. It’s time to speak out and I thank you very much for letting me tell my story here.